The Great Bacon War of 2012

I could probably be amused by the news if the falsehoods, fibs and porky pies were intelligent or creative, but they’re not. If there’s one thing I hate worse than lying it’s a patronizing, condescending attitude. The fabrications and whoppers put out by news journalists these days seem to be geared toward people whose mental horsepower is of a level that convinces them that shoes and socks are donned in that order.

News journalists in the days of yore were considered kind of strange, mildly witty and quite possibly drunk. Now, they’re most commonly viewed as pandering, partisan, politically correct metrosexual lickspittles who want to be popular amongst their peers and on the cocktail party circuit (which leads me to suspect they’re still drunk, and still strange, but no longer mildly witty). You just can’t believe a word they say.

You know, sort of like Supreme Court Justice John Roberts.

However, I did stumble across a news tidbit that was imbued with the power of truth, one that made my heart sing. You’ve probably heard that insane people like New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg are trying to outlaw giant soft drinks (I think getting caught with a concealed Coke is a $200 fine in Manhattan). Bloomberg, a noted control freak with aspirations of ever-increasing creepiness, seems to always want to ban something. I’m pretty sure, so far, he’s waged war not just against Coca Cola but also against salt, smoking, flowers that don’t bloom quickly enough, slip-on shoes, rusty hinges, irritable bowel syndrome, excessive blinking, pigeons, light bulbs, Gilligan’s Island re-runs, conservatives, libertarians, lactose intolerance (that one's a hate crime), people with hooks, fur (even when worn by zoo animals) and the last three chapters of any book that doesn’t begin with the opening line “It was a dark and stormy night.”

In other words, the dude is nuts, a guy who appears to think he's been elected Galactic Overlord, High Commissar of Calories and the Last King of Scotland.

There’s a precedent for this behavior. Back in the early 1600s a guy named Murad IV was Sultan of the Ottoman Empire. I always felt sorry for anyone who ran this empire, because it was destined to be known as a small piece of furniture upon which one placed their smelly feet.

Anyway, Murad hated smoking. He banned it, and even went so far as to sneak around his kingdom incognito. If Murad caught somebody taking a hit off a Marlboro (or the 1600s variation thereof) he’d beat the hell out of them. I guess that gig got old pretty fast, since the Sultan of Smoking Cessation moved onto bigger and better things.

He next banned coffee, probably because people were sitting around in Starbucks and bitching about the stupid sultan who wouldn’t let them smoke. If you were caught drinking coffee you were beat to a pulp. A second violation was punishable by being sewn in a sack, thrown in the river and drowned like a rat.

But I digress; the topic was news, or the lack thereof.

Some crusading journalist recently had the spine to actually report that Burger King, a franchise to which I will now swear unwavering fealty so long as they don’t go all wobbly on this, is selling a bacon-flavored ice-cream sundae. It’s comprised of vanilla ice cream, fudge, caramel, bacon bits and an entire strip of bacon.

I think I’m in love.

That BK had the cojones to offer this delicious item is a sign of courage, especially in these times of political correctness and draconian nutritional laws. My grandma ate bacon and sausage gravy most every day of her life; she lived to 102 and could still lop down a tree (with an ax) at age 90. She also loved and consumed pies, ice cream, fried chicken and all the other stuff that drives insane the food Nazis of today.